The Catholic And Not-So Abstinent Church

Children, hookers, and the occasional swipe-right for our Clergy. Just how celibate is the Catholic Church?

The Church has always had a weirdly obsessive grip on the sex life of its own (and everyone outside it too). Assuming you believe in the abstinence of the Catholic Church, this authority counsels parishioners on many things, including, can you believe it, sex. Strange. That’s like a coach training players to play a game he refuses to play. How do we get to accepting this arrangement for so long? We must want to be blind. It’s no wonder we’re shocked when a Priest is caught raping a child. Where not prepared for what should appear as blindingly obvious. 

This child sex abuse thing is only the tip of the iceberg. It just happens to be the one we identify with most because it’s appearing in the news so frequently. Don’t think for a moment that their sex is confined to minors. We don’t hear about the rest of The Church’s sexual exploits because it’s not newsworthy. Priests sleep with hookers, parishioner’s wives, each other, and anyone else. Sex is as prevalent behind the robes as it is out here with you and me. We need to open our eyes and accept that. The Church is NOT celibate and, most likely, never has been.

In the earlier days of the Church, it had nothing to say about celibacy — a time when Popes, Priests, and all Clergy could marry anyone.

Say what?

Oh yes, thirty-nine Popes were married men (women were Priests too) and could bonk their brains out, even before they held Mass. And then one anti-social, asexual Pope was voted in and changed it all.

'You're married to God now.'

This decision simultaneously turned sexual abstinence into doctrine and an outright lie. If Clergy wanted to get laid, they had to sneak around. This initial change didn’t turn into an atrocity-sized issue immediately. At first, I imagine that it was just a bit of bed jumping and hallway giggles after sunset. The new decree took its time to work its evil into the generations that followed.

Laypeople soon went searching for answers about their sexual inadequacies, fears, guilts and doubts. They liked the idea of a home for the celibate. Church rescued them from the pain of sex by excluding it. The Church then became a beacon for many more lost souls — and a perfect environment that would go on to nourish generations of frustrated, confused men (women too).

Priests fucking children? No surprise there! Those poor, frustrated and confused men still needed sex, no matter what promises they made to God.

‘It’ll only be one time.’

‘God will forgive me.’

‘No one will believe a child's word over one from a man of God, right?’

We can't stay shocked. It makes us all look foolish to remain naive, pretending that we don’t know anything. Let's get it straight, we know. It’s a Church full of sexually active men (and women) and that’s that.

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The Catholic Church (and others) isn’t celibate. It simply likes using the word. It makes itself sound important to know something of sex when people come asking about it. Celibacy is safe advice. It’s like a pause button, or an off switch. No-sex is better than a bad outcome. Church is off the hook. Meanwhile, back in the Presbytery, our resident Priest returns to jerking on his boner while swiping right for his next hot Tinder date — thank God he’s looking for a consenting adult and not a vulnerable child, right?

I'm not anti-Church. I'm anti-celibacy for the Church. I like sex. You probably like it too. I applaud the Tinder Priest for doing the right thing and leaving doctrine out of it. I don’t applaud Church for making him tell us that he’s a celibate man and then have us believe that he’s an authority in good sexual advice — and I absolutely hate any church protecting its paedophiles.

What's also wrong is to make a vulnerable younger man take an unreasonable vow of chastity and then expect him to honour it for all of his life. This is sexual abuse too. And any form of abuse can easily turn any abused into an abuser, right? Abuse has consequences. The Church abused its men. They abused the community.

The largest Churches in the world are now confronted with the reality of what celibacy has done to it and its people. The community has lost faith in Church because of this one ridiculous, nonsensical rule about what its Clergy (and us) shouldn’t be doing. They should revert to the previous rule and let all of them (and us) have the opportunity to engage in sex.

In my novel SEETHINGS, I examine how much the celibacy rule has negatively affected the modern marriage — the Church's tendrils extending deep into the bedrooms of good Christians.


‘Forman’s writing style is artful, with the protagonist Mitchell’s warped thought processes masterfully exposed. The author has a powerful and vivid command of language and his word pictures are stark and disturbingly real.’

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