There's A Space Race On To Be The First Member Of The Mars High Club. Are You In It?
Aircraft sex is one thing but what about sex on a spacecraft headed to Mars? It's a long and lonely journey. Would you line up to be the first to make history?
There's a lot of talk about going to Mars. There's so much of it lately, it's got me thinking about some of the more important issues, like space sex. Without gravity to keep couples, umm, connected, how does one make whoopie in space? Is orgasm better? Is fertility higher in zero gravity? Who will be the first to test these out and answer the compelling questions?
Don't laugh. You may have overlooked these tiny details but I haven't. What does space-sex look and feel like anyway? Being up there for months at a time would give one the opportunity to address this issue up close. Rest assured, there's at least one male and one female right here, right now, who are in training for a future Mars mission, with or without direction, to make it their business to be the very first space-bangers.
It's enough to make the rest of us feel warm and fuzzy, right? (It also makes me wish I was on the team to try!)
And what about the next logical step? Conception. What proud, new mother wouldn't want their child's birth certificate to be the first to read: Place of Birth, Mars.
Yes. That's right. This shit is real. There will be a competition to be the first in that too. Believe it. Strange things happen on Earth, so why not out there? I bet there's a long list of silent but eager candidates desperate to give birth on the vacuous frontier!
The most important question of all: Will there be cams onboard to capture the moment?
You're laughing again. Stop! This is serious stuff. Stop it!
Space-X has nothing to hide when it flies. Every inch of it is covered by internal cameras. There's no way a Mars ship will make it across such a large void without the events inside its cabin being captured along the way. Performing public sex puts me off too but that's only my opinion right now — I'm not a squillion miles away from Earth living with a stranger in a tin can with my life hanging in the balance. I may change my mind after a while and give Ground Control a show that'd be out of this world!
Space-X is a private enterprise, right? It pays its own way. Why not sell the sexy footage to make a dollar or two on the side? (NO, NOT PORNHUB you dirty deviate! I'm talking about science!) Researchers may want to study the results of space sex, or problems encountered before, during and after coitus. Do couples need a special bed to make it happen? Do they require elastic straps to hold their bodies together? Will females produce duo-decaplets due to the low Martian gravity?
Did someone say prolapse?
Here's another quandary. You can't say you're the first child to be born on the famous red planet if 11 of your brothers and sisters carry certificates showing the same date as yours! You won’t be as special as your mumma hoped you'd be. There will be fights, tears and plenty of therapy.
Okay. Let's not go crazy. Martian kids are a long way off. There are more interesting issues to address waaaaaaaay before that.
Space love.
Space dating.
Space courtship.
Space one-night stands.
Regret in space.
Who should put the space bins out?
Who did the spacey dishes last?
Open relationships.
Space gang bangs.
Space threesomes.
Jealousy in space.
Getting divorced on Mars.
Who gets the Mars Rover?
Right. I'll leave this here for you to ponder.
-Michael Forman (Author of Dark Adult Fiction)